Holding space for emotional conversations at work

You have an important meeting coming up with a key stakeholder for your program, and the agenda is packed. Yet you notice that your colleague is distracted. He apologizes and shares that he just returned from a funeral. Suddenly the project discussion does not feel so important, yet how do you handle this moment? Do you avoid probing for fear of getting too personal, or saying something wrong? Do you acknowledge it and then transition back to the work discussion? Or ask, “What feels important for us to talk about today?”

This last question is a kind invitation to “hold space” for someone who is grieving—the topic we discussed at our recent CliffsNotes Book Club. Adam Kugajevsky led a discussion about the book Witnessing Grief by Holly Margl. The book is a treasure trove on a difficult topic. (In case you missed it, check out Adam’s extensive book notes on the portal.)

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The Discomfort of Discussing Death

Many of us are not comfortable discussing death or being in the presence of someone who is grieving, and we will do whatever it takes to escape the discomfort. The urge may be to jump to, “Let’s reschedule this meeting. It can wait!”

In this book, which is a resource for coaches, Margl invites us to sit with feeling uneasy. “What feels important to talk about today?” is the kind of question she’d recommend to help your colleague decide what’s needed, and what’s next.
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Using scenarios similar to the one I describe above, Margl asks the reader to examine their capacity to intentionally stay present while talking with someone who is grieving—hence the “witness” in the book title. Margl takes an Enneagram view and provides strategies for supporting coaches who are working with clients experiencing grief. The perspective is particularly useful for coaches, but I found much of it useful to leaders in any professional setting.

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Witnessing Grief

Margl talks about having the “courage” to stay present and sit with discomfort. Key points from the book:

• Your emotional response to someone experiencing grief has the power to enhance or diminish your relationship with that person.
• A critical first step is to notice and name your own emotional reaction to a challenging topic or discussion. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?”
• Offering support means being with the person without trying to change, improve, or redirect anything.
• As coaches/colleagues/friends, we can witness another person’s pain without getting caught up in it.

What Not to Say

Throughout the book, Margl points out “what not to say.” For example, she talks about showing empathy, but maintains that empathy alone is not enough. In place of an empathetic question such as, “How are you managing,” Margl proposes asking, “What would it mean to you to feel a sense of stability?”

As a coach, I have to remind myself that the most important thing I can do in these moments is “witnessing.” There’s nothing else I have to do or try to accomplish. I also have found that asking, “What are the tears about?” is respectful and allows the person to share if they’d like to.
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What has worked for you?