How to deepen human connections, one conversation at a time

What does it mean to be seen? And how can we get better at making others feel seen? These are some of the questions presented at this month’s CliffsNotes Book Club which featured the incredible book, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen, by David Brooks.

​As a starting point, Brooks defines what it means to be a person. He says, “A person is a point of view. Every person you meet is a creative artist who takes the events of life and, over time, creates a very personal way of seeing the world.”

In the book, Brooks talks about how knowing a person is appreciating their defining moments, the generational history, what role their ancestors play in their life, and how they evolve over their lifetime. The book is both a social commentary and a practical guide on how to engage in conversations…with the goal of truly getting to know someone. Throughout the book, Brooks offers strategies and tips for conversation, asking good questions, and listening deeply.

As a coach, I have spent hours learning the art of asking good questions and active listening—but this book takes it deeper. I thought I’d share some of my key takeaways from the book.

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Highlights from How to Know a Person by David Brooks

• Diminishers & Illuminators – Brooks uses the terms “diminishers” and “illuminators” to refer to how people behave in conversation. When you’re talking with an illuminator, you can feel their presence and see in their eyes that they are really with you. Diminishers, on the other hand, drain your energy and bring you down. They make you feel small.
• Being “other” centered – This is a term that also shows up in Adam Grant’s book, “Give and Take.” In this context, Brooks describes the concept as the opposite of self-centered. Brooks says, “If I want to see you, I want to see how you see the world; how you construct reality and make meaning. To do this, I have to step out of my point of view and into your point of view.”
• Loud listening – This was one of my favorite terms. Being a loud listener is related to a more familiar term “active listening,” but it’s even better. Here is how Brooks talks about it in a NYT article from Oct. 19, 2023: “When another person is talking, you want to be listening so actively you’re burning calories.”
• The Right Questions – Brooks talks about asking the sort of questions that allow someone to tell you about who they are—and the first step is being humble and admitting that you don’t know—about them, about the topic, etc. Brooks says, “If I’m going to get to know you, it’s because I have the skill of asking the sorts of questions that will give you a chance to tell me about who you are.”
• Topper – Brooks advises against being a “topper,” or someone who takes over a conversation by sharing their own experience, opinion, or story. For example, when someone tells you about their vacation in Mexico, don’t try to top it by sharing your own vacation story. That shifts the focus to you…and if your goal is to learn about the other person, you’ve just missed out! I have previously used the term “I-hijack,” and the concept is the same.

A special thanks to Diane Dixon for leading the discussion. In case you missed it, Diane’s notes are posted to the portal. I also encourage you to check out David Brooks’ talk at The Trinity Forum (60 min). My short list of highlights is just the tip of the iceberg!