Being Grounded: How to build confidence in others

“Root down through your legs and feet. Then, lift through your torso. Raise your arms and let them sway with your breath. Notice if you are gripping your toes…” (Hope you read that in your best yoga teacher voice.) Yoga devotees spend a lot of time getting grounded in the physical body. Anyone who has ever attempted a balancing pose like “tree pose” knows that some days are better than others—and not to pass judgment if your “tree” is particularly shaky. Tree pose can be a metaphor for being grounded, or feeling centered, in life. You are rooting down and also reaching up, with an open chest and heart. At its core, the practice is about acceptance.

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The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers

Rogers references this paradox in his book On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy. It came to mind this month during the Chesapeake Bay Organization Development Network Book Club discussion on the book Scaling leadership by Robert Anderson and William Adams. The authors present a model in which they discuss “Creative” and “Reactive” leaders. In a nutshell:

• “Reactive” leaders are focused on seeking approval and tend to control and protect processes, outcomes, and “turf.” While a reactive leader may be very successful in the short-term, he/she won’t be able to grow and adapt to changes. 
• Meanwhile, a “creative” leader communicates a vision and inspires others to follow. Creative leaders are open to challenges and changes and can adapt and adjust as needs arise. As such, operating from a “creative” mindset leads to healthy relationships and overall, to being more successful/productive in the long-term.

 
During our book discussion a question came up, "How do you give feedback to someone who is “reactive,” such that he/she can hear it, understand it, and be open to making the necessary changes?" 

After reflecting on this question, I uncovered an underlying question of: How do you first help another person gain confidence in him/herself, so the person is able to receive and solicit feedback? (Back to tree pose!)

Being grounded allows you to hear feedback and not respond negatively or defensively to it. Being grounded also goes hand in hand with having confidence. But...building confidence is tricky. As I watched my son struggle with issues of confidence when he was younger, I went on a mission to try and figure out how to help others gain confidence. 

Good leaders inspire people to have confidence in their leader. Great leaders inspire people to have confidence in themselves. - Eleanor Roosevelt

​Here are four key activities you can do as a leader, both at home and at work, that will help to instill confidence in others.

​Strategies for Helping Someone Build Confidence

1. Reference REAL experiences. Instead of giving empty praise about how important someone is or how great they did on a report or project, reference a real example from the past that relates to a current situation and recall what worked well and why he/she was successful. The encouragement should be specific, genuine, and provide ideas strategies for the individual to have confidence to face whatever they’re dealing with currently.
2. Over-focus on what IS working. Think about how many mistakes or errors you have made in the last 24 hours. I can think of five off the top of my head, and it’s only 11:00 am! Imagine if someone was hovering over you and called out every error you made no matter how small or insignificant it was. Often, employees (and children) work under a microscope of someone else monitoring and commenting on every move. Given that we’re wired to notice what’s not working, we give constant feedback on what to improve. Most of the time, this is done with good intentions, however the output is that the recipient feels that he/she can never do anything right, and this leads to lower self-esteem. Instead, over-focus on what is working and provide feedback using specific examples of what that person did and the impact it made on you and/or others.
3. Admit and talk about mistakes you’ve made and how you recovered. Leaders often feel that they need to handle issues behind closed doors and put on a happy face when in public. Well, that not only damages your credibility, but others can see right through that and begin to distrust what you have to say. Effective leaders share mistakes they’ve made in the past and furthermore ask their team for advice on how to tackle the issue. This approach shows others that the leader is human and struggles with issues too (which in turn alleviates their self-criticism when they make mistakes), and it also leverages the expertise and wisdom of others (which leaves others feeling valued). When applying this towards kids, you can have a family dinner dedicated to talking about the mistakes everyone made during the week. When talking about mistakes, focus on what you did to recover to demonstrate resiliency and flexibility in handling difficult situations.
4. Look for opportunities for the person to provide service to others. Look for opportunities for others to shine in an authentic way. Recognize the talents your employees currently have and design opportunities for each of them to leverage their strengths. This may be through volunteer or service opportunities, mentoring relationships, or small assignments outside of the department. This strategy can sometimes be difficult to apply to younger children. However, there's always something you can find - you can have them read to a pre-school class, tutor another child, or help clean up a neighborhood. When my son was young, he loved emergency vehicles. Every third day the local fire station would clean their trucks. So, we arranged to have my son join them 1-2 times a week to clean the trucks. He was actually helping them get the job done faster, and they appreciated his effort. The key is to have the person engage in an experience that genuinely provides a value to others so they feel valued as a result.​

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What experiences have helped you grow confident? Please share!