The art and science of apologies – at work and beyond

Like many moms, I usually schedule my two boys’ doctor’s visits or dental exams on the same day. There’s a sure-fire way I know if the person at the front desk (i.e., the one who checks us in and takes our names) is really in the moment. 
 
You see – my boys have the same birthday, three years apart. When I check in for appointments, I can always tell if the person at the desk is really ‘in the moment.’ They will comment on the boys’ dates of birth. (“Is this an error?” “What are the chances?!”) If they don’t notice the coincidence, it’s likely that they are just going through the motions. Or they are distracted. Customer service win if they notice!
 
I was thinking about being in the moment as I have been tuned into the art and science of apologies. So much of being able to apologize to someone is about taking notice of the misstep you took and the harm you did to the other person. It’s also about being present to notice the other person’s reaction, and to know how to approach an apology.
 
Our book club book this month was The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All of Your Relationships, by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas. Apologies are part of every relationship, at work and beyond. If you’re in a customer-service role, apologies are critically important—nearly every day! In other work settings, addressing issues as they arise, and not letting feelings get hurt or issues fester is critical to a work culture that values every team member and motivates you to come to work—and put in the discretionary effort. This book is excellent and provides guidance for how to ensure an apology is received and does the repair work it’s intended to do. (For more about the book, check out the discussion notes on the book club portal.)
 
What are some strategies for effectively apologizing? Here are some of my insights…
 
Elements of an Effective Apology: Three Take-Aways

1. Be Present – “Sorry” can be a quick comment when you bump into someone on a crowded street, but for bigger issues, an apology must be offered with intention, when you are truly in the moment. In the age of distraction, and with so much competing for our attention, being present is the fastest way to be the most thoughtful and genuine person in the room. And apologies are not a time for going through the motions.
2. Get to the Why – You must first understand why someone is upset—then you can offer an apology worthy of being accepted. Imagine a customer-service interaction where a customer is calling in to check on the status of an order. They could become irate because their call keeps getting passed along and transferred from person to person. That could be the real issue that needs to be acknowledged, not the delayed product delivery.
3. Con-front – If you break down the word “confront,” it means to face something (‘front’) together or with (‘con’) someone. At its core, it is much more about working it out than it is about fighting. Much of this has to do with communicating with someone, versus to or at someone. And listening.

 
Finally, a re-frame… While apologies can be uncomfortable and stress-inducing, reframe it. They are a chance to connect with someone, and to demonstrate to them just how much they mean to you.

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